he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You left your phone here
Wait...
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