Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
