new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
