What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
