he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
