just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
