Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
