So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
