nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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