I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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