Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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