just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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