I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
