I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
God I need to hump something, right now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
