My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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