i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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