Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
