No stitches, just platelets and will power
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
