Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
