stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
