I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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