i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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