college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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