i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
