i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
