the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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