Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
