I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
