I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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