I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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