you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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