Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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