I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
