hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
