Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize