Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
