So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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