All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
