god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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