i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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