This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
