There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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