Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
