Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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