I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
