Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I need to stop coming to work sober
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
