Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
