ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
