Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
