Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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