Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
