I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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