Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize