How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
