you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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