Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
