Swine flu. Run for my life!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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