It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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