Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize